Recently I just started realizing stuff...a lot of stuff in my life.
I remember one night I was watching this movie(Miracles from heaven), I was crying so much and my mom looked at me and said why are you still crying the movie is already over. I answered, "We have been through a lot and I keep asking myself why are this things happening? I know we are lucky that we made it through more than a 2 years without papa and I really wish I can bring back the life we had back then.", she answered "don't rush things, God has plans". I just don't realize what could God has planned for us.I keep on questioning why can't I have the things I want, I'm doing everything I can just to get it but why does it keep on getting harder and harder to reach.Also, every time I get jealous of people that is living the life I wanted and having the stuff I wanted and it just drains me. After the conversation me and my mom had about me being in a rush and being materialistic, it just suddenly hit me, I felt guilty and started crying more. It felt as if I lost faith and I lost all hope. I was full of envy and I felt I was being drained and consumed by it. I wanted things to go my way and have the things I want. I never really prayed for material stuff, I never asked God to give me this and that, I remember praying one day that I will follow whatever plan He has for me. I was so guilty that I said it to Him but I'm not actually doing it, I mean it felt as if those words I said back then never really meant anything to me but just words. I cried so much and kept asking why. After a few months I started going to this new church with my mom.She has been active in studying the bible together with her new church friends. We have this talk about what she learned and I told her I used to tell her about those things and she told me it was different when she heard it from other people and I replied of course it would be different when it comes from other people because the things I tell you I have not been able to apply it in my life, I just read it and understand it and still learning to do it in my daily life. It is hard to do something that you do not usually do. After a few months I started to read the book(The Purpose Driven Life) that our teacher back in high school want us to read for 40 days.
I started reading it a few weeks ago and I saw that I just lasted for more than 2 weeks reading it before. You have to read it one chapter per day as you need time to reflect on each chapter. One night I was trying to think about my life. I remember my mom kept telling me how I was so self-centered and I finally realized why my mom keeps telling me that. I never really thought about anyone other than myself, I never really cared about anything other than myself.I remember me and my mom having this talk of how as a child the only love I felt was from her and I never really felt any love from my other relatives most of all from my dad and his family. The only time I felt that my dad loved me was when I get sick. I never really knew my dad. He was always busy, I never get to talk to him much and I know when I was a little girl we use to travel to his hometown just the two of us. I never really talk to him cause he was busy driving.I even told my mom that the only time I felt any concern from my dad's relative was when my aunt asked me to eat breakfast and that she would cook for me and what egg do I prefer sunny side up or scrambled. I never felt part of my dad's family,I never felt accepted and loved.
